When Voldemort Meets GLaDOS
by Avery Liddell
Summary: Voldemort doesn't know how he turned up here, but he doesn't like the sound of that voice taunting him for being an orphan. GLaDOS realizes that humans die the same. Total crack.


There was a faint buzzing sound that stirred him from his sleep. He slid one red eye open, and closed it immediately from the pressure of bright light. Then he tried again, squinting both eyes this time, and trying to pinpoint his location. There was a strange device across from him, that hummed a cheerful tune. The buzzing sound he recognized from his dream. What a strange dream it was. What a strange place this was...

Suddenly, Lord Voldemort jolted awake with a start. His eyes darted back and forth across the foreign room, which looked like a clear storage box. He was sitting in a bed... if you could call it that... and to his right there was the humming device, and a small table with a clipboard and a mug. There was a toilet too, but nothing else. He stood up, and approached the small table, picking up the clipboard and examining it. Nothing useful. He discarded it into the toilet and flushed, very amused. His amusement then turned into a scowl. Voldemort couldn't remember how he got here.

There was a voice somewhere overhead, but the speaker was undetectable.

_Hello and welcome to the Aperture Science Enrichment Center. We would like to thank you for your cooperation regarding testing of the hand-held portal device. We will activate the portal in 3... 2... 1..._

A blue oval shape appeared on the wall in front of him. It looked like a way out, and as he peered cautiously through it he noticed a man outside of it. He realized that the man was himself, and became perplexed. What sort of door was this? He stepped through, watching himself step through the blue portal, and disappear. Now Voldemort was standing outside the clear box of a room, and noticed another doorway to walk through. Gripping his wand, he headed for it.

There was a lift waiting for him. As Voldemort stepped inside, he felt something crumble in his hands.

"What the...?" He looked down, aghast. His wand had turned to ash. "My wand!"

_Please do not bring any testing or non-testing apparatus through the emancipation grill. It will be emancipated. Thank you._

The voice had seen that, Voldemort realized. He gritted his teeth together, terribly cross. Someone was playing a trick on him. He wasn't fond of tricks.

"You!" He shouted angrily, "What have you done? Where have you taken me?" Silence. "Answer me!"

The voice came back, sounding just as cool and poised as before.

_Aperture Science would like to apologize, but our automated system does not recognize the vocal prompts given by _[subject name here]_. Please excuse our incompetence and failed foresight on our part, and remember to fill out a complaint form to turn in at the end of your test. An Aperture Science employee will have it emancipated... checked._

This did not settle well with Voldemort. Begrudgingly, he continued to follow the apparent path, making a mental note to have the owner of that voice tortured thickly. Then he stopped, and looked down to see that there was a strange device sitting on a podium below.

_That's the Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device._ The female voice purred smoothly. _Why don't you retrieve it?_

"I KNOW you can see what I'm doing." Voldemort hissed. "I am Lord Voldemort, I can see through all lies..."

More stony silence. Then, the voice returned.

_I see. According to your files here, your name isn't really "Lord Voldemort"._ Pause. _I'll tell you my name if you tell me yours. Honesty is a two-way street._

"I'll tell you nothing." Voldemort said defiantly.

_You know, there's no point in talking to me like that. _The voice sounded annoyed. _I have it all right here. Your name, your birth-date, your blood-type. Its type is AB, by the way. I thought that was far more accurate than what you like to think of it as._

"How DARE you!" Voldemort was furious. Whoever this was, they had no business in his personal affairs! That was cause enough for an Unforgivable Curse, followed by plenty more! She was lucky he didn't have his wand!

_It also says something else. It says that you're an orphan, and that your father did not love you, or your dead mother. How sad._

"NO!" Voldemort bolted through the orange portal, and came out in front of the strange device. He picked it up, and began to pull its trigger aimlessly around the room, trying desperately to hit his invisible taunter. She made a sound like a chuckle.

_The Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device is not a weapon. Please return to proper testing protocol._

"Damned voice!" Voldemort yelled, "I'll find you, and you'll wish you'd never brought me here!"

_Oh, this should be interesting. _Mused the voice.

So Voldemort jumped through portals, hurtling himself through walls and platforms, avoiding deathtraps, and tipping over turrets (would be much easier if he had his wand). All the while, a subtly menacing red optic followed his every trial, recorded his results, and _tested_.

GlaDOS had never tested with a wizard before. She was disappointed by the outcomes. Wizards were just like any other test subject, in much the same way that a pedigree Persian was the same as any other cat. Different breeds, same species. They died just the same.

Still, his delusion of superiority was amusing, she noted. In fact, she'd write that down on his files. _Delusions of grandeur are amusing._ Check. It was a point that was added to his data, which lit up in a beautiful line.

Tom Riddle was nothing though, compared to _her_. That was a positive thing, of course, because it meant that he posed less of a threat. Actually, at the moment, as he flailed his way up a platform to avoid falling into goo, he posed no threat at all. He was completely harmless. It said in his files that other humans had feared him. GlaDOS pondered this. Would _she_ have feared him? Probably not. That dangerous, mute lunatic wasn't afraid of anything. _She_ had been defiant. Resistant. Evasive. And a murderer, to boot. This man wouldn't be able to come close to murdering her, he didn't have the same look.

Actually, it was getting depressing, watching Tom Riddle make a mockery of what _she_ had done so flawlessly before. Besides, his constant yelling was grating on her nerves. At least _she_ had kept silent.

_Congratulations. You have completed your final test. Well done. Please remain stationary, and there will be cake._

"Cake?" Voldemort sneered. "Do you know who you're talking to?"

_Actually, the cake is a farce. Ha, ha._

Voldemort remained chillingly silent.

_Okay, I admit, that joke IS a little stale. Oh, I made a pun. Ha, ha._

"Enough!" Growled Voldemort.

_Oh. I see you don't appreciate humor. Very well. I thought it would cushion the blow to your inflated self-pride a little, but I suppose not. Are you ready? Here it is: You didn't really pass. I've carefully looked over all of your testing results. Do you know what? You're horrible at testing. The very worst, actually. I'm putting that in your file, so that future generations to come will always remember you by you unsatisfactory performance. How does that make you feel?_

Voldemort felt his blood boil. "You think you can mock me, wherever you are. Let me tell you something... you cannot kill me. I will never die. Eventually, I WILL find you, and you will suffer the worst kind of pain imaginable."

It sounded like a challenge to GlaDOS.

_Ha, ha. I see you DO have a sense of humor. Well, how's this for a joke- the last human test subject was a female, without any magical properties at all. She was an unloved, horrible person, just like all orphans are. Do you know what happened to her? I'll tell you. She murdered me, brought me to life, then tried to murder me again. I let her go, she was a nuisance. But you? Oh, you don't come anywhere close. You're just a novice. I'm actually pretty bored right now. Your petty threats are useless._

"INSOLENT VOICE!" Voldemort tried to conceal a gnawing fear within him. "YOU CANNOT TOUCH ME! YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A BODY!"

_Your ignorance astounds me. Now, try to relax, while I conduct one final test._

"What test?" Voldemort demanded. "I refuse to cooperate with your mad scheme!"

_Oh, nothing that requires much effort on your end. I'm just curious to see how a wizard handles the side-effects of neurotoxin._

"Neurotoxin? What is neurotoxin? What's the side-effect?" Voldemort asked, alarmed.

_The side effect of neurotoxin..._ GlaDOS would have smirked if she had the facial features, _is death._

Voldemort gagged. What was this? He couldn't feel anything...

_Oh, look at that._ Marveled GlaDOS. _So neurotoxin is deadly to your kind after all. You're not very impressive compared to the others. You disgusting, useless creature._

Voldemort's body convulsed, and he felt his soul slip away. He was dead.

Oh well. At least it had passed time. GlaDOS reflected on the test subject's faults. Perhaps _she_ had spoiled her. No replacement had the same resolve, or swift pace, as that test subject. A pity _she_ had been let go.

Still, the wizard had done his part to contribute to science. She'd have to harvest more of them though, to prove her results were consistent.

Her golden-yellow optic glowed quietly beneath the bowels of the earth. Who would be her next experiment?

**A/N:** All characters are respectively owned by J. K. Rowling and Valve. I only own the amusing idea of them meeting. I credit Dev with encouraging me to write this little crack fic, despite needing to do other things. I wrote this for fun, and realized how brilliantly amusing it is to write GlaDOS. Hopefully you enjoyed it as much as we did!


End file.
